Cleaning up your messes

So. This week. Good times. C.S. Lewis talks about having extreme circumstances bring out the ugliest stuff in us, and saying that the extreme circumstances were the reason we ______ (threw a plate, burst into tears, snapped at someone, punched a jeep, etc.). Lewis contends that this ugly stuff in us was there all along. He compares it to having rats in our cellar. When we go downstairs, and hear the rats scurry when we turn on the lights, it's not the fact that we turned on the lights that caused the rats to be there! They were there all along; the light simply revealed them. He said the extreme circumstances are like that - they simply reveal what has been growing inside all along, that we haven't finished refining and culling.

So here's this week's rats that I've found. Without boring you with all of them, it pretty much comes down to this: I was carefully raised to think that mistakes of any kind were not an option, because my worth was connected to my performance. I've actually thought I'd made some progress in this area, until three completely unrelated incidents this week. All of them triggered that latent, unconscious notion that if I made a mistake, I was a mistake. Since it's the demon I run from all the time, to have this message three times, from three completely unrelated sources, was something akin to torture. I can't believe I made it out of bed this week.

Again, without going into too much gory detail, Jodi: I owe you a profound apology. Your blog, actually, was Incident #3. I have been beating myself up so much over the fact that I can't get past a certain weight, in spite of getting good scores and really doing a good job at good habits (except on free days), that all I could see was rats, scurrying around my feet, in spite of all my diligent fumigating!

When I was in school, it was vital that I got A's. Sometimes, I got the A by "playing the game," and without learning anything in the class. I realized, thanks to not just the three trigger incidents, but also the emotional tailspin caused by them, that I have been playing this game the way I got good grades in school. I have been focusing on the score, and not the results, just like I did in school.

Well, this is so stupidly ridiculous (did I mention I have not-so-great self-talk?), that to realize I had done this was humiliating! If I hadn't had a busy, culminating kind of weekend, I probably really would not have made it out of bed for a few days; I'd be there now, sobbing, wiping chocolate off my face, and chewing on my hair.

I love what Stacy said in her blog, and I agree. It is the antithesis of everything this contest is trying to teach us to have the kind of free days I've been having. And I am grateful that even though I have "played" wrong, I have not played in vain. I may be tap dancing around in a 5-pound range for the past 4 months, but I haven't gained! Given my unbelievably upbeat self-talk (wish there were a sarcasm font there, K?), and my all-or-nothing thinking, this is a victory nearly akin to the weight loss itself.

So. Jodi. If you read frustration or anger, or any negative emotions in my "letter of resignation" (which was retracted, thanks to my supportive partner-in-crime) - please know it was all directed at me. The minute I "quit," an unbelievable wave of love and support flowed toward me that I didn't even know was there. I love you guys - I can't tell you what it meant to me to have so many of you rush - we are talking rush - to my side and pull my head back above water. I am so grateful for you.

Someone asked me this week (this would be Incident #1, by the way) what I was using my excess weight to protect me from. That was when the eating started. So apparently, it has been a huge shield, and I still don't know the answer. Apparently, I don't like the answer. :) But I look forward to getting a fresh score sheet out every Friday, blogging about what I'm learning, and figuring it out. I suspect now that the lights have been turned on and the rats have been revealed, my scores may not be what they've been. I have not cheated, but I have not played well, because I have not played for the right reason. As of today, I am playing for the right reason.

Gotta post this before midnight, cause I need these dang 5 points! Happy Sabbath to my little Game On Family. I love your guts.

If eating gets connected to our emotional issues, we are in for quite a ride, eh?